


Inanimate Objects of the MCU

by midnightecho



Series: MCU LOLZ!!1! [4]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Crack, Gen, Inanimate Objects, POV Inanimate Object, This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever written, and i've written some weird stuff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-31
Updated: 2015-05-10
Packaged: 2018-03-20 14:39:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 1,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3654129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightecho/pseuds/midnightecho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ever wonder about the things that go through the minds of things that don't have minds? Of course you do. </p><p>Each chapter from a different object's POV. Not regularly updated atm because A levels, but many more on the way.</p><p>Extract from of chapter 1:  <em>"I’M NOT A FUCKING COAT."</em> - Mjolnir</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mjolnir

Don’t get me wrong; I love Thor. I do. But he can be a real dick sometimes.

He’s usually not too bad when he’s swinging me round his head in the middle of the battlefield (which is simultaneously thrilling and incredibly dizzying) and that’s what things always used to be like. We’d go off together on missions and just have fun destroying things, creating craters, sitting on Loki so he couldn't move… But since that fucking Jane showed up, I’ve been shoved aside.

Now, I don’t like being that person who gets jealous of the new friend because they were there first, but... _I was fucking there first_. All those years growing up, bonding through our experiences. Now, though, I get hung off fucking coat pegs. _I’M NOT A FUCKING COAT._ He even used me as a paperweight the other day. And don’t even get me started on that little trip to Greenwich. I should just take a holiday after all that ‘exercise’.

Wait… idea. Technically, Odin left the decision of the worthiness of my bearer in my ‘hands’. Theoretically I could just refuse to budge for Thor... Does a worthy man neglect his best friend? I think not.

Maybe I’ll move for someone else instead - one of that new group, just to piss him off. Not Tony Stark - he can be a bit of a dick too. I always liked that Steve Rogers though…


	2. Iron Man Suit (Mark ∞)

Oh boy I am so fUCKING PUMPED. Tony is ACTUALLY going to uSE me fINAlly. This is the prOUDeST dAy of my liFE. 

The doors are opening the doors are openingthedoorsareopeninghOWEXCITINGISTHIS??!?! lOOK GUYS IT’S MY TIME!

[Shut up and get out of here, Infinity. Nobody likes you. -Mark LIV]

HI TONY HOW ARE YOU TODAY I’M GONNA BE GREAT OUT THERE BELIEVE ME YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW FIRED UP I AM ABOUT THIS HAHAAHA FIRED UP THAT WAS FUNNY BUT LAME LET’S TRY AGAIN I’M STOKED TO BE GOING WITH YOU STOKED LIKE A FIRE JUST LIKE I WAS FIRED UP A SECOND AGO OKAY I’M GOING TO STOP TALKING AND I’LL LEAVE EVERYTHING DOWN TO YOU I’LL DO WHATEVER YOU SAY DON’T HOLD BACK OKAY LET’S DO THIS

(A few minutes later)

[How was your first flight, Infinity? -LVIII]

Oh… uh, it was… well… to put it frankly, I could quite happily throw up then curl up in a corner and sleep off this headache for the next week. Yeah. I’m gonna have a nice sleep. And possibly vomit. Excuse me.


	3. Hulk's Shorts

“That’s my secret, Cap; I’m always angry.”

Oh no, here we go agai-- fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU _UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are many to come that are just as ridiculous, if not more so, than this. Not even exaggerating.


	4. Black Widow Bites

Om nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom num nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Told you.


	5. The Winter Soldier’s Bionic Arm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one if my faves.

I am a ghost. I am the night. I am shadows. I am... a ghostly shadow.

I am powerful. I can kill you with one punch. I can crush your throat with my supple metal muscles. I can gouge your eyes out in five seconds.

I am good at delicate things, too. I can wire a bomb. I can inject a person with poison without them noticing. I am highly skilled at cross stitch. I would win in a cross stitch competition. I have a creative streak which my occupation does not allow me to explore. I have never tried painting. I would like to. I could play a violin. Probably without a bow. I could own at video games. I could bake brownies with a gooey centre and chocolate chips scattered throughout.

I’m also very strongly attracted to magnets.


	6. Loki's Staff (a.k.a. The Glow Stick of Destiny)

If you were to encounter me at a business meeting (which, let’s be frank, you won’t because I’m a staff, not a person, which sucks by the way) you would be confronted by someone of the utmost class; a sharp suit and a cool gaze. Ever seen ‘Kingsman: The Secret Service’? I’m basically Colin Firth; smart, sleek and efficient. I get the job done with grace and flare, and usually quite a lot of blood.

I also have magic glowy powers, so who’s the most awesome now, Colin?

That’s what I thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's more coming but I haven't had much time - this one was going to be longer so I might extend it later but I just wanted to post something. Eugh. Sorry.


	7. Professor X's Wheelchair

I don’t get any holidays. I’m the one who should be getting overtime and disability benefits. He just sits there, all heavy, not even thinking about little old me. He's bloody telepathic; why isn't he hearing any voices from this direction? 

Oh yeah. Because I'm just a fucking chair. 

Fuck this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know anymore.


	8. The Universal Weapon (a.k.a. Ronan's Massive Hammer)

THWACK CRUNCH SPLATTER THUNK YEAH DEATH AND DESTRUCTION HAHAHA I’M SUCH A HENCH HAMMER I’M SO MUCH MORE MANLY THAN FUCKING MJOLNIR I DON’T HAVE PRISSY PATTERNS ON ME I’M HARD AS NAILS I’M SO BADASS THAT YOU NEED TWO HANDS TO HANDLE MY ROD YOU GET IN MY WAY AND ME AND MY GOOD FRIEND GRAVITY WILL CRUSH YOUR FUCKING SKULL WITHOUT A SECOND GLANCE I DON'T NEED NO SHITTY UNDERLINGS LIKE YOU I'LL DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT AND ALSO WHATEVER THE FUCK RONAN WANTS BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT I AM AWESOME AS IN AWE-WORTHY AND ALSO HELLA FUCKING AWESOME BITCH YOU'D BETTER BELIEVE IT ACTUALLY FUCK BELIEF I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU SO YOU CAN DISREGARD PETTY THINGS LIKE SPIRITUALITY WHO NEEDS SPIRITUALITY WHEN YOU HAVE COMPLETE FUCKING DOMINATION I AM THE FUCKING OVERLORD AND NO LITTLE INFINITY STONE IS GONNA BEAT ME NAH MATE IT DOESN’T KILL ME IT MAKES ME STRONGER AND MAKES ME STAND A LITTLE TALLER AND YOU GET THE IDEA I LIKE MUSIC FUCKING DEAL WITH IT I CAN NOW MAKE PURPLE STROBES WITH THAT STONE IN MY SIDE MY SO MY PARTIES ARE A BILLION TIMES BETTER THAN ANY OF YOURS SO FUCK YOU NONBELIEVERS I’M GONNA RULE THE FUCKING UNIVERSE.

(post- _Guardians_ )

Well shit.


	9. Cap's Shield

“Steve.”

*Clangs into alien armour*

“Steve?”

*Thunks into the side of a plane*

_”Steve.”_

*Crashes through a door*

_”STEVE THIS REALLY FUCKING HURTS.”_

*Gets thrown between two superhumans like a giant frisbee*

*sighs*


	10. Wolverine's Claws

(In an excessively camp voice) _Peek-a-boo!_

**Author's Note:**

> I've got about 10 more of these on the way, and some of them are pretty random. If you've got any particular objects you want me to write, leave a comment or drop me a message on [tumblr](midnightecho.tumblr.com/ask) and I'll add it to the list if it's not on there already. There may even be sequel chapters for some objects if people want them.
> 
> If you're enjoying this, feel free to check out the other fics in this series, particularly [Caw Caw Motherfucker](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2684633/chapters/6005324), which I'll try and update again soon. It's better than this one, I swear.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
